


The Origin of the Phrase

by Toft



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Animal Transformation, Humor, M/M, Surprises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-07
Updated: 2010-05-07
Packaged: 2017-10-19 22:24:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/205869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toft/pseuds/Toft
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of Yusuf's new compounds has unexpected consequences, aka the one where Yusuf turns into a goat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Origin of the Phrase

**Author's Note:**

> [Original LJ post](http://toft.dreamwidth.org/569399.html).

"Listen," Eames says, pinching the bridge of his nose. "All I want to know is, _has this happened before?_ "

They all look at the goat in the middle of the room. It's climbed down off the chair and is chewing on the PASIV wire, but none of them can really bring themselves to do anything about it.

"Not - precisely," Arthur says.

*

"It seems, um, perfectly healthy?" Ariadne's friend says, releasing the goat from his grasp. It skitters across the warehouse with a bleat, looking indignant.

"We just want to know if there's anything - unusual about it," Arthur says. He sounds tired. A movement catches Eames' eye; he's fingering his totem again, in his pocket. Eames sympathises. They'd all had a little bit of a crisis when they'd woken up and the goat had still been there.

"As far as I can tell, no."

He's a skinny bloke with a little beard, a hastily-pulled-on white coat and a stethoscope. He looks fairly wide-eyed but is holding up well, under the circumstances. Eames supposes he doesn't often get called out at one a.m. to a warehouse in a bad part of town to perform a medical examination on a goat whose primary purpose is to ascertain that they have not lost their collective minds.

"We need you to perform a brain scan on it," Arthur says. When the kid starts to open his mouth, Arthur interrupts, "Money no object. As soon as possible."

"We really can't explain," Ariadne says, apologetically. "But it's really urgent."

"Uh," he says, and rubs under his glasses. "I guess I can fix it."

*

They look glumly at the wiggly lines on the screen.

"Well, if nobody else is going to ask," Ariadne snaps finally. "What do they mean?"

"I don't know what you want me to say," her friend says. "It's just a goat. He's awake. He's hungry. He's thinking normal goat thoughts, probably about eating my bedsheets."

"Temper," Eames says. Ariadne smacks him.

"We really appreciate this, James," she says. "We won't take up any more of your time."

"That money had better be in my account!" he calls after them. "I could lose my grant for this!"

He's given them a dog leash to stop the goat from running off, and apparently Eames is the assigned goat-walker. Arthur won't go anywhere near the thing since it took a fancy to his sleeve, and Ariadne is too upset.

"Yusuf," Eames mutters to the goat, feeling stupid. " _Yusuf._ Hey. Stop being a goat, you dickhead." It doesn't look up from the piece of garbage it's investigating.

"Stop that," Arthur snaps.

*

"You heard what I said," Arthur's hissing down the phone. "We were trying his new compound, the dream went strange, we got the kick, we woke up and he was a goat. No. No, we're all fine. I have no idea."

He pauses.

"Well, you've been fantastically helpful."

He drops his phone on the desk with disgust.

"Cobb suggests we give him some carrots."

"And?" Ariadne says, disbelievingly.

"Wait and see what happens."

Nothing happens. They endlessly argue about trying dosing him with the compound again, even putting him under, but nobody's ever tried to bring an animal in on a dream before, and after Ariadne points out that they have no idea about what effect being in contact with that kind of subconscious would do to them, none of them are keen to try, especially as they have no idea how it would help anyway. Eventually, they get a temporary new chemist and go on with the job, since their client's getting impatient. The goat becomes a regular fixture in the warehouse. Eames gets some hay from somewhere; Ariadne insists that if they at least take turns cleaning up after it. After it eats the sleeve of one of Arthur's jackets, Arthur calls a meeting, and intimates that it's the goat or him. There's a guilty silence.

They leave him tethered outside a petting zoo one night. Ariadne visits him the next week, surreptitiously. She's fairly upset, afterwards, so Eames lets her sit on his couch and drink his good tea.

"How was he?" Eames mutters, low enough that Arthur won't hear. Arthur's reaction to this whole situation has been somewhat severe.

"He looked fine," Ariadne says. "You know. Healthy. I think they brushed him."

"That's good," Eames says. Ariadne tucks her knees up under her chin.

"Don't worry, pet," he says, feeling faintly ridiculous. "Doesn't sound like a bad life, all things considered."

Ariadne sniffs loudly. "He liked kids," she says, sounding a little choked. "And carrots. Didn't he?"

"Of course," Eames says, and pats her shoulder.

*

It's the next week that Saito calls. Arthur thrusts his phone into Ariadne's hand and grits out, "It's for you," before storming out of the room.

"Hello?" Ariadne says hesitantly.

"Yusuf?" Saito says. "Is Yusuf there?"

"Oh, um," Ariadne says, and makes panicked, flapping motions at Eames. "Listen, we - he isn't here. I - he turned into a goat," she blurts out.

Eames stares at her. She makes a face at him. _What was I supposed to do?_ She hits the button for speakerphone, lays the phone on the table and glares at him.

"... a goat," Saito says slowly.

"As bizarre as it sounds, he did actually turn into a goat," Eames sighs. "He's at the North Aldershot Children's Zoo."

"It was an accident with a compound," Ariadne says. "We have no idea how it happened. We were in this dream, suddenly he started running around and growing fur and - screaming - and then he was just a goat. Then we woke up - and he was still a goat. We had to take him to the petting zoo, Saito, it's so awful, he ate one of Arthur's jackets and some plans and Arthur was so angry, we just didn't know what else to do."

"Well," Saito says. "How distressing."

*

When Saito hangs up the phone, he shakes for a couple of seconds in silence. Yusuf's almost worried, then Saito rolls back onto the bed, laughing so hard that the lines beside his eyes are streaked wet. He laughs and laughs, and Yusuf beams. Finally he wipes his eyes, tugs himself up and presses a firm kiss to Yusuf's forehead.

"It was a very thoughtful gift," he says.

"What do you get the man who has everything?" Yusuf says. "Happy birthday."

*

He supposes that when he eventually calls them, Arthur will hunt him down and kill him personally. But for the next few weeks, Saito occasionally will start chuckling in business meetings, or smiling, distantly, as they snatch a meal together before he goes back to running a multi-bazillion-yen empire and Yusuf goes back to reading novels, catching up on research and enjoying his extended holiday, no interruptions. It's totally, one hundred percent worth it.

"I began laughing in my meeting with General Ko Min today," Saito says, smiling ruefully, as he clinks glasses with Yusuf one evening. "It was difficult for me to avoid an incident of international proportions."

"Sorry?" Yusuf says, unrepentant.

"You are good for me," Saito says. His eyes are warm. "My security team thinks I am in love."

"How intrusive of them," Yusuf says.

"I should fire them," he agrees. He checks his watch. "There is time for us to have sex before we leave for Hong Kong."

"I make one romantic gesture and he takes me for granted," Yusuf tells Ruby, and catches her down from the shelf of chemistry books. She purrs.

"I don't know what you are talking about," Saito says. "I brought you a gift."

He produces from beneath his chair a bag from an expensive Tokyo menswear store. Yusuf winces. They've had conversations about boundaries, and one of them is a chemist's clothing choices. It's been such a nice evening, he really doesn't want to - but in it is a carrot, wrapped in a bow. Yusuf throws it at him, and Saito ducks, laughing, loose in the shoulders and relaxed, for once.  
End


End file.
